


Ushijima Wakatoshi / Give It to Me by Homeshake

by coocoocatchoo



Series: Random Anime One-Shots [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: :(, :), Anime, Depression, F/M, Haikyu - Freeform, Haikyuu - Freeform, Karasuno, Panic Attacks, Self-Loathing, Shiratorizawa, Volleyball, eh what the hell, haikyuu!! - Freeform, next one will have smut though, no smut in this one either, tendou - Freeform, trigger warning, ushijima - Freeform, you can count on tHAT my friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:48:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coocoocatchoo/pseuds/coocoocatchoo
Summary: Basically just Waka being sad. I'm sad because this kinda sucks and is all over the place :) but I love this song so whateverrrTRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS/DEPRESSION/SELF-LOATHING





	Ushijima Wakatoshi / Give It to Me by Homeshake

**Author's Note:**

> Basically just Waka being sad. I'm sad because this kinda sucks and is all over the place :) but I love this song so whateverrr
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS/DEPRESSION/SELF-LOATHING

**I wish you could climb inside my head**  
**So you could see what it means**  
**When I'm so cold**  
**Feeling so low**  
**Horrible**

People would often tell y/n that Ushijima cared about her very little, if he even care for her at all. They said the only thing he cared about was volleyball, and it would always be number one in his life. Volleyball was his main focus, his goal, his accomplishment; everything that Ushijima did, said, or thought about, was volleyball.

He could never have time for a normal girl like y/n, but somehow she had ended up dating him. No one knew the story behind how they got together. All that the students of Shiratorizawa knew, was that the girl had started to stick by Ushijima's side; Ushijima never complained about his parasite, nor did he ever tell her to go away. Sometimes, students would report seeing him wrap his arms around her, or kiss her, but those were never verified and were passed off as rumors. The students of Shiratorizawa did not know that y/n was the opposite of normal to Ushijima.

Shiratorizawa only knew, or thought, was that Ushijima didn't care about anything more than he cared about volleyball. But private things are always hidden from the public eye, behind the walls of rumors and lies that are built up like plaque.

-

Ushijima sat against the wall of his bedroom, his head in his hands and his eyes screwed shut. His fingers gripped and released on his chocolate brown strands of his hair as he felt the alternating waves of grief and loathing hit him.

It had been almost a month since Shiratorizawa had lost to Karasuno at the Spring High-Miyagi Prefecture Representative Playoffs. He thought it was impossible to lose to a rag-tag team of unpredictable, inconsistent, unnecessarily overconfident underlings.

He clenched his jaw as he thought of the one player on their team, the tallest one, who had blocked one of his spikes. If he was going to lose to someone, at least let them be an experienced volleyball player with actual technique instead of some first year with height as his only advantage.

He hugged his knees to his chest and rested his forehead onto them, his eyes as wide as dinner plates as he had another attack. The attacks had been coming about twice every day; they'd entail a tightening of his chest, a feeling of drowning and being unable to breathe, and the aftermath of feeling worthless. Ushijima didn't like the attacks, and he hated even more that Tendou knew about them. The first attack he'd had was right in front of Tendou on the walk back to the Ushijima residence. Tendou had had experience with these attacks, and helped him through it. Ushijima could only thank Tendou for always being there for him, not letting the feelings of total embarrassment and helplessness surface.

The rest of the team had mostly gotten over the shock of the loss; Soekawa, Yamagata, and Eita were already making preparations for university, Ohira was looking over his scholarship options, for both volleyball and academics, and still trying to decide where to attend, and Tendou was just being Tendou—not a single care in the world. Except for his worrying over Ushijima.

Everyday for the past month, Tendou would walk Ushijima home, making sure he got there in one piece. Tendou had noticed Ushijima's silent fall into the intense brooding after the loss, and thanked whoever was watching over Ushiwaka that he hadn't fallen into a depression. Ushijima didn't get depressed, he got determined, but this state of mind that he was currently in wasn't determination—it was complete and utter disappointment.

Tendou knew how Ushijima felt, he didn't like losing to those crows either, not one bit. But Tendou had a tendency to let things go and let things be, the universe worked in mysterious ways that he could never even begin to understand. So Tendou tried to take Ushijima's mind off the loss and get prepared for the university he was going to attend on a full scholarship for volleyball. He also tried to help Ushijima focus on his schoolwork, and he tried to help Ushijima understand that things didn't always work out the way they were expected to. But Tendou felt that he was simply getting nowhere; he couldn't put an end to Wakatoshi's attacks, no matter how hard he tried. So he called in the big guns.

The only other one who knew about Waka's attacks was Ushijima's little sister's tutor, who was also in Ushijima's class. Ushijima liked her a lot, finding her to be respectful, attentive, kind, and easy going. She wasn't always squealing about the latest gossip or trying to catch a guy's attention like the other girls at Shiratorizawa. Not to mention she was quite beautiful. Everytime she would come to tutor his little sister, Ushijima made sure he had time to walk her home. Sometimes he'd even invite her to study with him.

Wakatoshi's father knew about his slight crush on the tutor, and had already given his approval, spurring Waka on to confess to the girl after the Spring Preliminaries. The plan was to win, of course, and then confessn while Waka was on a roll of victory. He had even invited her to the game so he could do it right after, not wanting to spare another moment. But there had been a horrid turn of events, and after the loss, Ushijima was the first one on the bus back home, not even texting her to tell her had left. He couldn't bear to see her when he was in this state of mind of thinking himself deplorable and unworthy of her attention.

Wrapped up in his thoughts, Ushijima didn't notice her enter his room, jumping when she laid a hand on his shoulder. He still had that feeling of not being able to breathe, and she knew that he was having one of his attacks. She sat directly in front of him and placed her hands on his legs, staring at him with worried eyes. Minutes passed, and she heard Wakatoshi's breathing return to normal, so she enveloped him in a hug, kneeling beside him and wrapping her arms around his body, resting her chin on his head. She feared he wasn't going to return the hug, but before she knew it, strong arms were squeezing the air out of her, daring to never let go.

**Give it to me, (3x)**  
**Give it to me baby,**  
**Now show me your love**

She released him from her embrace and started to stroke his hair.  _Tendou called and told me to check on you. He said you were still having a hard time._

_How on earth does Tendou have your number?_ Ushijima retorted, his usually deep and monotone voice was currently quivering and laced with self-loathing. It broke y/n to see her prince this way.

_Because we both love you, and the people who care for someone have to stick together and meet regularly to come up with ways to annoy or please the person they love._ y/n joked quietly, still running her hands through Wakatoshi's short hair. He looked up at her, his eyes red and puffy, but more relaxed upon seeing her smile. y/n had always loved the way that Ushijima's hair color matched his eyes. They were like chocolate, hard when first unwrapped, but if let out in the sun for a while, it'll melt in your hands. It fit Ushijima perfectly.

When y/n first met the intimidating ace of Shiratorizawa, it was during a group project assigned in Physics class. She was grouped with Ushijima, Eita, and one of her own friends. She remembered that was when Ushijima developed his crush on her. Wakatoshi was never one to express his emotions if it wasn't necessary, but the feelings of having a crush on someone and thinking they were just so beautiful and so perfect that he just wanted to crush them in a hug and never let go were new to him. So it became very obvious when he developed a crush on her. He'd stumble over his words, blush a bunch, and actually smile. Eita told the rest of the team about Wakatoshi's smile, saying it was a little bit creepy at first, but also the eighth wonder of the world.

_I'm fine._ Ushijima said, releasing y/n from his grip and beginning to stand up. Once he was in his feet, the strength in his calves wavered, causing him to stumble back a little, but y/n caught him as best she could to keep him stable.

_You don't look fine._ y/n observed, noting Ushijima's pale skin, sunken eyes, and the slight beginnings of a belly.  _Say, Ushi, when was the last time you've played? Or worked out?_

_Before I lost to Karasuno._ Ushijima began to shuffle around his room, tidying up a bit; he was slightly embarrassed that y/n had to see him this way and had to see his neglected room. He wanted to be his best and look his best for her, but currently he was at his worst. He couldn't understand why she cared so much about a loser like him.

_We should make plans to go to the gym this week, no?_ y/n stretched and plopped down on Wakatoshi's desk chair. He looked at her like she was crazy. He knew she was athletic, playing volleyball and basketball when their respective seasons rolled around, but he didn't think she was the type to hang around a gym.  _What? Well, I guess not many couples go to the gym together._

Ushijima blinked. y/n blushed slightly at the confused stare he was giving her.

_Did you just say "couple"?_  Ushijima asked slowly, sitting down on the edge of his bed so he could be level with her. He did not break eye contact once, staring intently at her, awaiting her response.

_Well, yeah. Tendou told me that...that you were going to confess after the match with Karasuno._

_When did he tell you that?_ Ushijima silently cursed the red-haired jumping bean that always seemed to either make or break him.

_About a week before the prelims._

Ushijima thought for a little bit. He was able to deduce that y/n did have some sort of attraction toward him since she seemed to always be around him, care for him, and make him happy. He felt his mood lift a little bit at her acceptance of him, and a small smile started to make its way onto his face.

_So...you know the reason why I left so abruptly after the loss._

y/n slowly shook her head and kept her eyes on Ushijima's now fading smile. He buried his face in his hands and sighed, his shoulders shrugging and then slumping with his inhale and exhale.

_Honestly, I thought you were having second thoughts...I thought you didn't--_

Ushijima looked up at the choking sound that had emitted from y/n, and his heart immediately dropped. He had made the object of his affection cry, the exact opposite of what he hoped to make her do. He jumped up from his bed and went to kneel beside her, eyes wide and desperate to search for a solution to make her return to her usual happy state.

_You thought I didn't what?_

_I thought you didn't like me anymore. And for a while, when you didn't talk to me, all I think could think was...what did I do to make you hate me._ y/n managed to mumble in between sobs. Wakatoshi's heart broke in two, and he moved a shaking hand up in an attempt to wipe her tears away with his thumb, but her tears just kept flowing. When that didn't work, he was slightly panicking, but didn't want to worry her more, so he just knelt there beside her feeling helpless.

He racked his brain for ways to make her feel better, trying to channel his inner Ohira and Eita; the setter and the wing spiker were both quite popular with the ladies, always knowing the right things to say to catch their attention and make them swoon. They had to have something to distract from Eita's awful fashion sense and Ohira's massive eyebrows.

_y/n, I left because I felt as if I was unworthy of your acceptance because of my failure in the preliminaries. I was just being selfish, and it was never my intention to hurt you._ Ushijima explained, his tone almost sounding desperate. She wasn't used to hearing Wakatoshi have any sort of emotion in his voice, and this made her look down at him, searching his face for what kind of emotion he was actually feeling. She couldn't believe she was the one who could bring out the emotional side of the usually stoic ace, but she was glad.

Waka's eyes were wet, and tiny beads of moisture had started to form in the corners of his eyes. y/n tried to put her best smile on for him and laid a hand on his head. She still hasn't heard the words she desired most from him, though, and if she didn't, she wouldn't be okay.

_Ushi, don't say things like "unworthy." You sound like a man from medieval times._ She made a poor attempt at a joke, causing a microscopic curl of Ushijima's lips.  _And don't ever think for one second you're not good enough for me. You're good enough times a million._

_I'd thought that you only liked me because of my strength and success._

y/n deadpanned, the flow of her tears slowly coming to a halt.  _Are you serious? You're an idiot, you know that?_ Ushijima raised an eyebrow at her insult.

_So you like me because..._

_Because you're the sweetest and most determined man I've ever met. When you set your mind to something, you'll stop at nothing until you've achieved it or acquired it. Not to mention, you're kind of really attractive._ She ruffled his hair as he felt his own smile grow wider and wider, despite the physical touch that usually made Ushijima uncomfortable. But y/n was the exception.

_Then, I suppose I have a question to ask you._ Ushijima stood up and offered a hand to y/n, which she tentatively took. He led them over to his bed and they sat down at the foot of it, facing each other.  _Will you go on a date with me, y/n?_

y/n nodded furiously before flinging open her arms and tackling Ushijima back into his pillows. Ushijima tried to wipe the massive smile on his face but reasoned that it was no use to try and deny himself the utter bliss that he felt at that moment. All thoughts of his loss against Karasuno were pushed to the darkest parts of his mind, where they couldn't be accessed until this happiness had disappeared, and he hoped it wouldn't for a long time.

Ushijima held y/n as tight as he could for as long as his insane smile was plastered on his face; he feared that if she saw his smile, she would think he was acting silly and feel as if the moment was ruined. But the slight shaking caused by soft sobs quickly made his smile disappear.

**I wish I could live in your heart**  
**So I could see what it means**  
**When you're so hot**  
**You seem so far**  
**Away**

_y/n, are you crying? Did I do something wrong? Are you having second thoughts?_   Ushijima laid a hand on her head, stroking her hair in an attempt to make her look up at him, and she did. However, the expression on her face was not what he was expecting.

Her eyes were glazed over with tears, but they were smiling. Her lips were trembling in a poor attempt to hold back more sobs, but they were smiling. Tears were flowing down her cheeks and her nose was runny and stopped up at the same time. But she was laughing quietly. Ushijima didn't know whether to be disturbed by the seemingly delirious state that y/n was in, or to be relieved that she was at least smiling.

y/n sat up, straddling his hips and using her sweater sleeve to wipe her tears and snot away. Ushijima sat up with her, using his hands behind him on his bed to support himself.

_Sorry, I'm just--really happy._ She choked out in between sobs.

_You don't sound happy._ Ushijima tilted his head to one side and observed y/n continue to come undone before him. For the second time that night, he felt his courage swell up inside his heart and he leaned forward toward her, this time successfully catching her tears on his thumb and going in for another kiss.

He cupped her damp cheek with one hand and kept himself balanced with the other while he moved his mouth against hers. He felt her breathing calm down and her heart rate rise as they continued to kiss. She wrapped both of her arms around Ushijima's neck and hugged him tight to her chest. 

Ushijima began to wonder when the kiss was going to end, he was in dire need of oxygen. Even though they had just confessed to each other, Ushijima enjoyed kissing y/n; he was proud to be hers and he was proud that she was his, but he was only human, and he needed oxygen.

He pulled away quickly once he had reached his limit, earning a small smile from y/n. She had stopped crying, and was admiring the vulnerable, panting, happy Ushijima positioned in between her legs.

_I'm sorry, it's just that...you're my first kiss. And I guess I haven't really taken the need for oxygen into account._ Ushijima explained in between short breaths. She just giggled and pushed him back on his bed. He stared at her, wondering what she was going to do next.  _Your mood changed rather quickly._

_I told you, I was happy. Those were tears of joy, Waka!_ y/n snuggled up to Ushijima's side and guided his arm around her waist so that they could cuddle. Ushijima felt his cheeks heat up in coyness. This evening he had been thrown into a huge heap of uncharted territory with the girl he desired most, and even though he was loving every minute of it, he was still afraid that he wouldn't be good enough.

_You'll just have to be patient with me, y/n. This is also my first relationship. The only thing I ever put heart into was volleyball. But now you deserve my heart and attention as well._

_That's a sweet thing to say._ y/n stated as she let her fingers skim across Ushijima's chest in a dawdling manner. 

_What do you mean?_

_I mean, I know you love volleyball, and you will probably always love volleyball. I just think it's incredibly sweet of you to promise me your attention and love when you still have volleyball to focus on. Everyone at school just thinks you're a robot built for volleyball and nothing else. But you do have a heart!_

Ushijima chuckled lightly at her light insult mixed in with her kind words. She was truly a good companion. With her, Ushijima never felt bored and he never wished he was somewhere else. He could see himself spending his entire life with her by his side. 

_Well, volleyball isn't forever. When I'm old and my body working against me, I won't be focusing on volleyball. I'll be enjoying the time I have left with a companion, and I think that could be you._

Ushijima felt y/n snuggle further into his side and he tightened his grip on her waist, using his thumb to rub small circles into her hip. He heard her sigh happily.

_You keep saying the sweetest thing, Waka. You're like a completely different person._

_Well, three hours I didn't know if you liked me. I was a mess. I was hopeless. But now you're here, and I finally feel as if everything will be okay._


End file.
